【留美学子】 第1666期

【留美学子】前期发表

被名校录取的学生 不外乎这两种类型

导语

没有比父母“送走”子女，白发人送黑发人的经历，更加凄惨悲凉。然而，在这个不幸的过程中， 一位华裔父亲，能从一个小我的不幸中，崛起反思，进入一个大我的世界。向这位崇高的父亲，致敬！

2015年6月一起未成年人酒驾车祸中痛失爱子的美国华裔爸爸李保罗（Paul Li）在沉痛之余开始反思，发现夺走儿子性命的深层原因可能是很多亚裔家庭都遇到的问题- 中美文化差距对第二代移民造成的影响。2016年3月份，他决定捐赠120万美元给马里兰大学，用于研究亚裔美国移民子女问题。

去年6月，住在美国马里兰州洛克维尔（Rockville, MD）的保罗曾敦促他的儿子凯文（CalvinLi）和他一起回中国旅行，但凯文拒绝了这一提议。在保罗启程前一晚，凯文跟他的爸爸说：“爸爸，不要担心我。我会努力的，我一定会成功，你会为我感到骄傲。”不曾想，这是父子的最后一次对话。

据《华盛顿邮报》报导，那时候，凯文刚刚从伍顿高中（Wootton High School）毕业，准备9月升学进入马里兰大学帕克分校的国际贸易专业就读。但是，在某个晚上的毕业聚会之后，凯文和另一名同样是18岁的毕业生亚历克斯．默克（AlexMurk）却因为搭乘喝醉了酒朋友的车回家，遭遇车祸不幸殒命。

后来，那名同样与凯文在伍顿高中足球队效力的酒驾司机山姆·埃利斯（Sam Ellis）因过失杀人罪被判刑4年。但这一切对于痛失爱子的保罗来说，似乎都不是最重要的。

保罗匆匆从中国赶回美国处理好凯文的后事之后，花费了大量的时间回忆凯文成长的过程，关于在美国成长的第二代移民青少年如何面对家庭和学校里所遇到的那些他与他的父母（第一代移民）之间的文化差距，又如何在这其中寻求认同并期望被认同的挣扎。

保罗说：“往事在我的脑海里回闪，我开始尝试将这些事情拼凑在一起，”“我试图了解这一切，然后我才意识到我的儿子遇到了这么多的问题和挣扎。”

保罗回忆说，自己在中国成长，20多岁移民美国，还带着很多中国人的思维和习惯，而他的儿子凯文却是个土生土长的美国孩子，他喜欢运动和听饶舌音乐；随着年龄的增长，凯文逐渐疏远了中国文化。

保罗举例说，凯文小时候参加周末中文班，还能够用普通话朗诵诗歌，但随着年龄增长，他甚至连去中国餐馆吃饭的兴趣都没有，所以一切跟中国有关的事情对他都没有吸引力。

保罗回忆说，有一次电视新闻播放一个关于中国的报告，凯文关掉电视机并回到自己的房间。可是那时候的保罗并不理解凯文的这些行为，而是生硬地以家长权威说“你是一个中国孩子”。

最让保罗懊悔不已的是，在凯文读中学时，有一次宣布他想要向职业足球发展，但是保罗却对儿子说：“你回去学习”“你不可能成为一名职业足球运动员”。

凯文问他为什么。而保罗给出的答案成为他这辈子最大的遗憾之一。

他说：“你是中国人。”凯文伤心的哭了。

保罗表示，当他现在回头再看的时候，觉得无法原谅自己，因为他硬生生把儿子的梦想打碎。保罗认为，从某种意义上来说，凯文和其他很多第一代移民的孩子一样面临如何跨越文化差距的问题——他们应该是谁、该期望或追求些什么。保罗说，他觉得很遗憾，之前没有了解儿子遭遇的困难，并设法帮助他。“如果我早了解现在知道的这一切，我想我会是一个更好的父亲。”

现在，保罗带着对儿子的爱和回忆，希望通过自己的反思，给其他亚裔移民父母更好的了解自己的孩子，并努力找到一种更好的方式来处理与孩子之间可能出现的问题。

保罗说：“我知道，就算在现在的美国，也有很多其他中国移民父母正在对自己的孩子作者同样的事情，而我不希望这样的事情继续发生。”

今年3月份，保罗向马里兰大学的亚裔美国人研究中心（Asian American Studies）捐赠120万美元，重点支助研究亚裔移民子女可能面临的问题。该奖学金将会在未来20年内追踪移民家庭的动态，针对移民家庭和孩子在学习、社会角色调整和认同形成方面展开研究。

马里兰州大学亚裔美国人研究中心的主任詹妮尔．黄（Janelle Wong）表示，研究结果将会以社区研讨会和讲座的形式呈现，希望能使更多的家庭受益。

来源：华盛顿邮报

以下另外一篇感人至深的原文报告，作者：Erin Chew

A Father's Heartfelt Message After His Son's Tragic Death

I almost got teary after reading this article. Not only because it was about the tragic death of a son, but because personally I can relate to the issues presented and the feelings the son had growing up.

Paul Li’s son Calvin died in a high-speed wreck when anotherteen — who had been drinking — crashed the car they were riding in after leaving a party. Paul’s friend Alex Murkalso died in the crash. This happened in June 2015. Paul has had many sleepless nights thinking and reflecting on the life of Calvin and his successes as apopular high school student as well as a talented football player. Before his death, Calvin had just graduated from Wootton High School and was about to enter the University of Maryland studying International Business.

Calvin was not the typical Asian teenager but gravitated towards being more “American”. Paul could feel that the cultural gap widening between himself and his son. Likemyself, Calvin was sent to Chinese school as a child, and like myself hated it due to identity issues and the burning desire to be more “western” rather than appreciate our parent’s culture.

According to the Washington Post article, Paul states: “Things flashed back in my mind, and I started to try to piece things together,” he said. “Itried to make sense of everything, and that’s when I came to the realization that there’s so many issues and struggles that kids like my son have.” can understand the difficulties which both Paul and his wife went through to try and understand the identity issues their son went through.

It is not easy for our parents who migrated from an Asian country to adapt and truly understand what it means to be confused about race and identity. Growing up, many of us resent their teachings, the language and the food, because it it sounds, looks and tastes different from our non-Asian/white friends.

If we hung around white kids, the cultural gap widens even more and we become distant from our parents who do not want us to forget our Asian culture and background. As the article states: In some ways, his experience is like those of many children of first-generation immigrants who straddle a cultural gap, confronting stereotypes and expectations about whothey should be and to what they should aspire. Li said he regrets that he did not understand his son’s difficulties and do more to support him. Now he wants to help other families, in his son’s memory.

The sad part is, Paul and his wife won’t be able to tell Calvin all this, and this is why Paulis coming out publicly now. After Calvin’s death, the family found it difficult to really say much publicly and were not even able to attend court proceedings, where the driver who caused the crash and Calvin’s death Sam Ellis pleaded guilty to two counts of vehicular manslaughter and was sentenced to four years in prison.

But over a year after Calvin died, Paul now wants to share his story and give back in the hopes others can learn from his misunderstandings. In addition of sharing this personal story: In March, Li, who works as an investment analyst, committed to donating $1.2 million over three years to endow a U-Md. fellowship that will focus on issues facing children of Asian American immigrants.

The fellowship will build on two decades of studies on family dynamics, adjustment and identity formation among immigrants and their children, said Janelle Wong, director of Asian American Studies at U-Md. Notably, she said, research findings will be presented at community workshops and lectures so that families can benefit.

Paul now understands that Asian kids growing up in Americaor more broadly in the West, experience many issues which goes unnoticed.

“Society often thinks, Asian kids — they’re doing well in school, they’re working hard, they tend to be overachievers, they don’t have any problems,” he said. “But in fact,they do have problems, and many of the problems are overlooked by not only their parents but also by the society.”

“He wanted to be more American,” Li said. “So his way of doing that was todistance himself from anything Chinese.I felt that’s not the right way of dealing with identity, but at the time I wasnot aware of this issue. I was not understanding enough to help him. I was just forcefully saying, you know, ‘You’re a Chinese kid.’ ”

I feel for Paul, because it is this not understanding Calvin’s issues which will be with him forever. I think the moves Paul has madeto go public, to donate to a scholarship fund is a step in the right directionto reconcile his own despair as well as work in memory of Calvin.

In addition, Paul hasbeen a strong advocate for legislation against teenage drinking and driving byissuing penalties to adults who provide alcohol to minors or allow them todrink in their homes, called Alex and Calvins Law. Before this legislation passed, it was weakened, but Paul still strongly believes in tougher laws for adults – which I agree with.

“We used harsh tactics, and it didn’t work,” Li said. “I just want other parents to understand their kids more, and listen to them more, and try to find a better way to deal with the issues their kids may have.”

The more I read into this article, the more I appreciate my own parents, their teachings and their struggles to give myself and my siblings a better life in Australia with ample opportunities. I know I have caused them headaches growing up and my own identity issues as a child didn’t help them. I guess when you are an adult who appreciates their own culture you can understand the perspective of your parents. For Paul, he is unable to sharethis with Calvin, so now he is sharing this with the world. thank you Paul, and all the best with everything!

延伸阅读：http://www.yomyomf.com/a-fathers-heartfelt-message-after-his-sons-tragic-death/

【留美学子】已发1665期

【留美学子】前期发表

被名校录取的学生 不外乎这两种类型

近期海外名家独一无二的【穿越访谈】

其中 4/16期

横跨日中美30年: 文化教育二代间的彷徨与发现